I haven't had this feeling in years...literally years. I was looking at the "status" section on my Blackberry facebook application. I read one status that said one of my friends was reading his daughter a book until she fell asleep and he wished it never would have ended.
Most people who know me very well are aware that I was married and am now divorced. It doesn't come up much in conversation anymore, mainly because it has been over 8 years since we both signed the papers. The thing that I want to do eventually is to have a family of my own. My parents (who are now divorced) were always there for me when I was growing up. I never had a babysitter or went to daycare. My Mom didn't start working until I was in Jr. High so she was there for us as we grew up. One of my parents was at ALL my sporting events and that is a pretty big deal. Especially since I played three sports a year and I have two brothers who did the same thing. They laid down their lives for us and in turn I have amazing family memories from my childhood.
I see my older brother and his wife doing that for my two nephews. She is a stay at home Mom and they are doing a lot already to create memories for the "J Team". I admire what they are doing so much. I just haven't had a night like tonight in a long time, a night when I ask the question, "When is it my turn?"
I know that I have time. I know that my past choices and actions have extended my time-line farther than expected and I am happy with where I am in my life. Maybe it is because I am tired, maybe it is because I heard today that my Aunt had surgery to remove some cancerous tissue from her breast...whatever the reason the thoughts are there. I have to believe that God knows what He is doing. I have to believe that when the time is right and I am ready I will be able to start a family.
I don't like to open up this much but I am lonely. Not lonely because I don't have people around me. Not lonely because I don't have people I can talk to either because I have a couple close friends who I know I can open up to about anything going on in my life. I guess I am lonely because I don't have someone to spoil, someone to leave notes for that only she will find. Someone to bring gifts home to, someone that makes me want to do whatever I need to do just to see her smile.
Well...I am not sure that I am going to keep this post up. I guess we will see how I am feeling when I wake up tomorrow. This is more of me on a page than I am used to posting...this is just enough information about what goes on in my mind to be dangerous. :)
5 comments:
I hope you keep this up! This post is so comforting. I promise there are soooo many people out there that think these same thoughts all the time. As Christians, following God's path for us, sometimes it's we do wonder "why?". Trust me, I definitely do! But I know, that you know, that God knows what he's doing. He has such great things in store for you including an amazing family someday. If he didn't, you wouldn't even think about it. AND he even has a good reason for waiting :)
Hope you have a good day :)
Tina
P.S. I obviously didn't spell check or edit my comment. Please forgive the typos :)
Thanks Tina. :) I normally write more to make people think than I do to open up...so this post wasn't easy for me. I know we all go through times where we have questions. I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now so that keeps me sane.
Well there are some of us who think this is a very brave post. I don't think I could have written it. It's one thing to think about it, or to even put it on paper to see it. But to make it available to everyone, that takes something! (I can't think of a good word to use so I'll just say it takes something, lol). But I still think you should leave it cause it will make people think! Maybe not in the way you are used to making people think, but it will make them think. It's made me think. It also proved my point that I've been pondering lately that God has great things lined up for us. I know that God has something great for me. He has shown us great things so that we know that he will give us even more than we can hope for :)
I agree with Tina :)
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