Today I truly realized something about me for the first time. This is something that may not be important to you (the reader) at all, but it does really matter to me.
For years I used to say I didn't moderate very well. When I do something, I do that thing a LOT! I was not allowed to carry medicine, energy pills...etc. This was not when I was a child, this was me in my early 20's!
Most of the time it was my brother who would notice my excess and remind me to stop. I no longer have any trouble with medicine, energy pills, energy drinks...or any of the vices that I couldn't control at that time.
In the past two or three years I had stopped saying I don't moderate well. I was keeping things in check and then I moved here.
I didn't pick back up any habits that I had from years gone by, but today I looked at patterns in my life right now. I don't have a problem so much with moderation, I react to stress by using repetition.
I am not a person who gets stressed out. I don't worry about things and I don't show the cracks of stressful situations. I fill those cracks with repetition. I will give you the example that made this all clear to me.
The week I was going to move into my apt here was very stressful emotionally. Not because I was moving, it was another major situation that caused me a lot of stress. Most people didn't see a change in me and they didn't notice a change in me over the past two weeks either (another very highly emotional time of stress for me.) The pattern that emerged was in my food habits. The first month I lived here I ONLY had pre-cooked chicken, rice and soy sauce. I ate 4 bags of rice in a month. I got away from that for a few weeks and then last week I went shopping for food. In the past week I have eaten an entire bag of tangerines and 14 cans of tuna. Every night I came home and read a book while I ate oranges and tuna. My routine puts my mind on auto-pilot in certain areas so I can deal with other things.
Looking back I see this pattern to be true. After the most stressful situation of my life I filled my routine with unhealthy things that I didn't moderate and those things I stopped once I got my head straight and dealt with the past. Since moving here I have been quiet and reserved at work. Neither of those are typical traits for me but I look back and that is how I started off my last couple jobs in new areas. While I am getting comfortable and dealing with the stress of a new place I get into routines and I pull back socially. This gives me less to deal with so that I can use my energy to focus on the task at hand.
So I guess I say all that to say I don't have a moderation problem, I just don't always deal with stress in a healthy manner. You may not see it, but it does affect me. Now that I see this in myself I am going to work on it. I guess time will tell what happens next. I am trying to deal with my current stress in a healthier way. Let's see if it works.
Like I said, this post was more for me than it really was for you. You now have a little better view of what goes on in my mind from time to time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
2 comments:
I think the first step to getting things under control is to recognize the issue at hand. Good Job!
I know how hard it is to be so honest and up front about stuff like that. It's good to not only recognize that about yourself but to share it with people who love you and can help you see things more clearly when you start the same pattern up again. The trick is to not push them away when they try to help! Way easier said than done.
Post a Comment