So today I came up with a new drink for our coffee shop. It will only be available during the Spring and Summer...or at least that is the idea. It got me thinking about the change in the season that is coming.
I have lived through two Summers in AR so far. I have only been to the lake once...and that was to go on a dinner cruise. One Summer here it was "too rainy" to go have fun at the lake. Last Summer was "too hot" to even get outside. It got me thinking what are we waiting for?
Sometimes it seems we spend our lives waiting for the perfect weather, perfect job, perfect vacation...etc. We don't live in the now, we are always waiting for that something that will be better than what we are going through. I do my best not to live this way, but we all fall into it from time to time.
I was reading a post on facebook not too long ago. It asked the question, "If you only had two weeks to live, what would you do?" I thought about that for a while...and in that moment I decided that I probably wouldn't do anything different, I would probably just do what I do with more intensity.
Unlike a lot of people that I know, I love my job. My whole life is about helping people. Now there are those who would say that if I really only had two weeks to live I should spend it with my family or go on some crazy vacation. Now I love my family, if you know me then you know that is true. I miss them (my brother Chris is the only one who lives here...so I see him every day) more than anything or anyone else. I would love to spend two weeks with my family! The thing about it is this: my family knows that I love them. They know that I care and they also know why I don't live in WA with them.
The people that don't know me are the ones that need to know that I love them. I care about people...all people. If I only had two weeks to live I would probably spend them on the streets of Little Rock. I would find Aaron Reddin and The Van, buy lots of caffeine and spend my last 14 days showing people that I care. The people who are downtown don't have a lot of people that actually get to know them. Most people drive by, roll up their windows or look away when they pass the homeless on the street. Aaron would give the shirt off his back to anyone who asked.
That is how I would spend my last two weeks alive. What about you? When you hear "Summer Breeze" do you think about sitting on the beach or passing out some cold water to people under the bridge. When it is too hot for you to even go lay out by the pool, there are people trying to find a spot in a doorway to get out of the sun.
That is what I thought about today.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friendship is a two way street...or is it...
Today I was reminded of a common thought process that I simply don't agree with. A friend of mine said basically that they were done with one way friendships. No longer are they going to put out all the energy to keep a relationship going. After all...friendship is a two way street.
"Friendship is a two way street" is something that I have heard from different people all of my life. The exact wording may be different but the idea is always the same. You shouldn't pour your time and energy into someone else if you are not going to get that same effort back in return.
I have a couple different reasons that I disagree with this view on friendships/relationships. I will get into those in a moment but first let me say that I am not talking about a dating relationship. If you are trying to find someone to spend your life with then you should see that person put as much time and energy into your relationship as you are going to put into that relationship. What I am talking about is your other relationships. Your friends, your co-workers and even your family members for that matter. Now that I have cleared that up let's talk about why I don't agree with friendship being a two way street.
Reason number 1 is that Jesus said that it was not a two way street. In Luke 6 He explains that it is easy to love people when they love you back. Anyone can love those that love them, but we are suppose to love those that hate us and when someone borrows from you don't ask for it back (that last part is one that most people don't agree with...even if Jesus said it.)
So let's say that you don't really care what Jesus said because you don't consider yourself a Christian or maybe you don't think that is really talking about carrying on a relationship when it feels like you are the only one who is putting any effort into it. That is fine...but what about the people that poured into your life when you were uninterested and didn't really care if they were there or not?
We have all had that teacher, friend, cousin or neighbor that was always doing something nice just because it was the right thing to do. We didn't always appreciate them, we didn't always want them around even, but they kept on doing the right thing and pouring their time and energy into our life. Where would you be without those people? What would your life be like if everyone in your life treated you like you sometimes choose to treat someone else?
I'm not saying you need to be a doormat...or maybe I am. My life (especially my adult life) has been spent doing my best to be there for other people. I don't expect anything in return and a lot of times I get exactly what I expect. People have told me that I shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't waste my time on lost causes. I simply don't agree. If you can't help me in any way, that is all the more reason for me to help you. If I am doing something for you because you will repay me then I am doing it for me and not for you. You will never know true satisfaction from doing things with the expectation of repayment. Friendship is not a two way street. Give every chance you get. Do all you can for others. When you need a hand to help you up, you will be able to take your pick. It doesn't take much to change a life or to rise above average when it comes to being a good friend.
Friendship can be a two way street...but if it ends up being a one-way road that doesn't mean it is a dead end.
"Friendship is a two way street" is something that I have heard from different people all of my life. The exact wording may be different but the idea is always the same. You shouldn't pour your time and energy into someone else if you are not going to get that same effort back in return.
I have a couple different reasons that I disagree with this view on friendships/relationships. I will get into those in a moment but first let me say that I am not talking about a dating relationship. If you are trying to find someone to spend your life with then you should see that person put as much time and energy into your relationship as you are going to put into that relationship. What I am talking about is your other relationships. Your friends, your co-workers and even your family members for that matter. Now that I have cleared that up let's talk about why I don't agree with friendship being a two way street.
Reason number 1 is that Jesus said that it was not a two way street. In Luke 6 He explains that it is easy to love people when they love you back. Anyone can love those that love them, but we are suppose to love those that hate us and when someone borrows from you don't ask for it back (that last part is one that most people don't agree with...even if Jesus said it.)
So let's say that you don't really care what Jesus said because you don't consider yourself a Christian or maybe you don't think that is really talking about carrying on a relationship when it feels like you are the only one who is putting any effort into it. That is fine...but what about the people that poured into your life when you were uninterested and didn't really care if they were there or not?
We have all had that teacher, friend, cousin or neighbor that was always doing something nice just because it was the right thing to do. We didn't always appreciate them, we didn't always want them around even, but they kept on doing the right thing and pouring their time and energy into our life. Where would you be without those people? What would your life be like if everyone in your life treated you like you sometimes choose to treat someone else?
I'm not saying you need to be a doormat...or maybe I am. My life (especially my adult life) has been spent doing my best to be there for other people. I don't expect anything in return and a lot of times I get exactly what I expect. People have told me that I shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't waste my time on lost causes. I simply don't agree. If you can't help me in any way, that is all the more reason for me to help you. If I am doing something for you because you will repay me then I am doing it for me and not for you. You will never know true satisfaction from doing things with the expectation of repayment. Friendship is not a two way street. Give every chance you get. Do all you can for others. When you need a hand to help you up, you will be able to take your pick. It doesn't take much to change a life or to rise above average when it comes to being a good friend.
Friendship can be a two way street...but if it ends up being a one-way road that doesn't mean it is a dead end.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sorry about my last two posts...
They were both cut short because the app on my phone decided it didn't want to stay open. It just closed and all the writing I did was gone.
Today I spoke in chapel at the school we have where I work. I talked to the youth about the most misused 4 letter word. L-O-V-E. I have talked, preached, read and written a lot about love in the past. Today I got to see some of the faces of people who had never considered that love wasn't about how someone else makes me feel.
First I asked all of them to come up with their own definition of love. What does love mean to each one of them. Then I let a few of them share their definition. The first one was really good. Actually all but one of the definitions that they gave were pretty good. The one that wasn't on the same level of the rest was that love is how you feel towards people you care about. Now remember that I am never saying that anyone has the wrong definition of love. What love is to you is up to you...I was just trying to show them that there is more involved than the fact that someone else makes me feel good when they're around so that is love.
We read 1 Cor. 13 and discussed it for a few minutes. Then I gave my definition of love. I told them that I think love is an act based on my character for the selfless promotion of someone else. It isn't based on what they say or do. It isn't based on what they can do for me. If I love you because you love me...that is easy. What about the person that doesn't love you? What about the person who isn't kind to you? The bigger question is can you walk in love towards someone who does something that is wrong to someone that you truly love. People all the time will talk about how you can say what you want about me, but as soon as you start talking about my family it is on! How is that love?
I believe in defending my family and friends. I will let you know you are not right if you start saying things that aren't true about the people I care about. But I am going to always do my best to walk in love with you just the same.
I know that walking in love is not easy. I also know that I am NOT the perfect example of love. All I am saying is that I am trying. I will continue to try. Today brought it all back up in front of my face. I hadn't studied love or anything really about love in a while. Walking in love is something that I want to be known for. I don't care what else I leave behind, I want people to see God's love in me. If that is all you know about me that is fine.
Today I spoke in chapel at the school we have where I work. I talked to the youth about the most misused 4 letter word. L-O-V-E. I have talked, preached, read and written a lot about love in the past. Today I got to see some of the faces of people who had never considered that love wasn't about how someone else makes me feel.
First I asked all of them to come up with their own definition of love. What does love mean to each one of them. Then I let a few of them share their definition. The first one was really good. Actually all but one of the definitions that they gave were pretty good. The one that wasn't on the same level of the rest was that love is how you feel towards people you care about. Now remember that I am never saying that anyone has the wrong definition of love. What love is to you is up to you...I was just trying to show them that there is more involved than the fact that someone else makes me feel good when they're around so that is love.
We read 1 Cor. 13 and discussed it for a few minutes. Then I gave my definition of love. I told them that I think love is an act based on my character for the selfless promotion of someone else. It isn't based on what they say or do. It isn't based on what they can do for me. If I love you because you love me...that is easy. What about the person that doesn't love you? What about the person who isn't kind to you? The bigger question is can you walk in love towards someone who does something that is wrong to someone that you truly love. People all the time will talk about how you can say what you want about me, but as soon as you start talking about my family it is on! How is that love?
I believe in defending my family and friends. I will let you know you are not right if you start saying things that aren't true about the people I care about. But I am going to always do my best to walk in love with you just the same.
I know that walking in love is not easy. I also know that I am NOT the perfect example of love. All I am saying is that I am trying. I will continue to try. Today brought it all back up in front of my face. I hadn't studied love or anything really about love in a while. Walking in love is something that I want to be known for. I don't care what else I leave behind, I want people to see God's love in me. If that is all you know about me that is fine.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I have been busy with my upcoming move...
I haven't been writing but I have had plenty on my mind. The question is not if I have enough to write about. The question is simply do I have enough to write about that anyone would be in the slightest bit interested in!
So I have had the subject of love on my mind a lot lately. I was listening to a sound track from a movie when I was driving from L.A. to Tulsa. I wasn't thinking about anything much except the unique sound of one of the artists voice and then she sang a few lines that really struck me.
The words were, "so if you wanna burn yourself, remember that I love you, and if you wanna cut yourself, remember that I love you, and if you wanna kill yourself, remember that I love you! Call me up before you're dead, we can make some plans instead. Send me an IM I'll be your friend..."
I am not sure exactly why this song interested me so much. If you listen to the whole song it is kind of an anti-war protest song...with love thrown in. I want to ask her (the artist) if she ever got any IM's from anyone who just needed someone to talk to. I really want to know if she is serious about what she says and how she let's it affect her life. In her music she swears and talks bad about the current war. According to what I have heard for most of my life she isn't someone who I should agree with and she doesn't understand love.
*I want to make sure I insert something to explain some of my statements about growing up and the people who modeled love for me. My parents, brothers and my family (including the Chartiers and Harringtons of course) showed me love in word and action. I don't use them as my illustrations because I thought that is what everyone had! I didn't understand how blessed I was to grow up with the people I grew up with. So when I say that someone else "showed me love in a way that I had never seen..." or something like that it is because I mean I didn't see that love outside of my immediate circle very often and that person made a bigger impression because it was a surprise! Now back to the story...thanks for your attention*
So there are two people to this point who have surprised me with their statements about what I consider to be true love. One was my sixth grade band teacher when he explained to all of us that he lived by the motto of "if I can I should" whenever someone asked him if he could do something for them. The other person is the girl who wrote the song I mentioned above. Now my band teacher was a nice guy and I am not anyones judge but he told us that he had been "living in sin" for years and now he was going to marry his gf who had been living with him. That statement alone made him someone that I shouldn't pattern any part of my life after, or at least that is how it seemed to me when I was 12. Then this girl who curses and is obviously very liberal in her views (which is obvious from her songs on this CD). I was always under the inpression that they needed to learn to love like the people who were in church with me.
Here is my main problem...I see them loving the un-lovely and the hurting while a lot of times in church I hear people bad mouthing "liberals" and "sinners". It is a strange thought to me that in the world we live in Christians are looked at as narrow-minded exclusives who are unaccepting of people that don't agree with them while liberal non-Christians are looked at as accepting and open minded.
I can honestly say that my parents always taught us to love everyone. People are what mattered and even if you didn't agree with their actions, we needed to love the people. I had a talk on New Years with a friend that I have literally known my entire life. He said that he really enjoyed coming over to our house because my parents were always accepting of him and we were always able to hang out. He knew what we believed and even though he still doesn't know much about our beliefs he saw our love. Isn't that what it is about? You won't find someone who is more liberal than him, he has even moved to a socialist country and he loves it. This would again make him someone to avoid because "evil companions corrupt good manners...". I have a question for you, "Who did Jesus hang out with aside from his disciples?"
Are you someone that a person who has different views would feel comfortable talking to? Are you someone who is going to love that person no matter what they say or do? Are you someone that can be called if there is a need...even if that need is just a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on? I want to show God's love to everyone that sees me. Not so they are impressed with me but so that they ask me how I can be that loving. That is my goal. If you need something from me just ask. If I can I will.
So I have had the subject of love on my mind a lot lately. I was listening to a sound track from a movie when I was driving from L.A. to Tulsa. I wasn't thinking about anything much except the unique sound of one of the artists voice and then she sang a few lines that really struck me.
The words were, "so if you wanna burn yourself, remember that I love you, and if you wanna cut yourself, remember that I love you, and if you wanna kill yourself, remember that I love you! Call me up before you're dead, we can make some plans instead. Send me an IM I'll be your friend..."
I am not sure exactly why this song interested me so much. If you listen to the whole song it is kind of an anti-war protest song...with love thrown in. I want to ask her (the artist) if she ever got any IM's from anyone who just needed someone to talk to. I really want to know if she is serious about what she says and how she let's it affect her life. In her music she swears and talks bad about the current war. According to what I have heard for most of my life she isn't someone who I should agree with and she doesn't understand love.
*I want to make sure I insert something to explain some of my statements about growing up and the people who modeled love for me. My parents, brothers and my family (including the Chartiers and Harringtons of course) showed me love in word and action. I don't use them as my illustrations because I thought that is what everyone had! I didn't understand how blessed I was to grow up with the people I grew up with. So when I say that someone else "showed me love in a way that I had never seen..." or something like that it is because I mean I didn't see that love outside of my immediate circle very often and that person made a bigger impression because it was a surprise! Now back to the story...thanks for your attention*
So there are two people to this point who have surprised me with their statements about what I consider to be true love. One was my sixth grade band teacher when he explained to all of us that he lived by the motto of "if I can I should" whenever someone asked him if he could do something for them. The other person is the girl who wrote the song I mentioned above. Now my band teacher was a nice guy and I am not anyones judge but he told us that he had been "living in sin" for years and now he was going to marry his gf who had been living with him. That statement alone made him someone that I shouldn't pattern any part of my life after, or at least that is how it seemed to me when I was 12. Then this girl who curses and is obviously very liberal in her views (which is obvious from her songs on this CD). I was always under the inpression that they needed to learn to love like the people who were in church with me.
Here is my main problem...I see them loving the un-lovely and the hurting while a lot of times in church I hear people bad mouthing "liberals" and "sinners". It is a strange thought to me that in the world we live in Christians are looked at as narrow-minded exclusives who are unaccepting of people that don't agree with them while liberal non-Christians are looked at as accepting and open minded.
I can honestly say that my parents always taught us to love everyone. People are what mattered and even if you didn't agree with their actions, we needed to love the people. I had a talk on New Years with a friend that I have literally known my entire life. He said that he really enjoyed coming over to our house because my parents were always accepting of him and we were always able to hang out. He knew what we believed and even though he still doesn't know much about our beliefs he saw our love. Isn't that what it is about? You won't find someone who is more liberal than him, he has even moved to a socialist country and he loves it. This would again make him someone to avoid because "evil companions corrupt good manners...". I have a question for you, "Who did Jesus hang out with aside from his disciples?"
Are you someone that a person who has different views would feel comfortable talking to? Are you someone who is going to love that person no matter what they say or do? Are you someone that can be called if there is a need...even if that need is just a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on? I want to show God's love to everyone that sees me. Not so they are impressed with me but so that they ask me how I can be that loving. That is my goal. If you need something from me just ask. If I can I will.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Over a month!
That isn't even right! I haven't been writing much lately, but I have been reading a lot. For the first time in years I am mixing in some fiction with my steady diet of non-fiction. I am enjoying the change but then when I read a good bit of non-fiction that makes me think I wonder why I was taking time to step out of reality when there is still so much I need to learn and process!
I stopped writing before because I was working two jobs and was too busy, now I think it is time to pick it back up. I will be changing jobs in the fairly near future and I need to get back in the habit of writing. Not so much so that you will have something to read but more so that I can express my thoughts. My mind doesn't really shut off so I am constantly thinking about something or why I have a certain opinion. I have a few people here in Tulsa that I can talk to but when I move I will have less access to those people. I already have some friends in Arkansas but it takes some time before I open up the way I need to in order to clear my mind. So the writing is good for me, even if I can't write everything I am thinking.
Soon I want to write some about love. It seems that everywhere I turn lately life has been showing me love or the lack of it in some form. I want to understand more, I want to show it more often in my life, I want to live out what I believe and be that picture that can send someone searching for the one true Love. That is my goal, that is my mission and I work every day at getting closer to being "the change I want to see in the world". Ghandi said that and I think it is an amazing perspective. People are always trying to change the world. That is a good goal but if we don't look at ourselves first then how is anything going to change? I want to see more love, more actual love in the world. That is something I truly believe in so I am working right now on showing more love through my life.
I stopped writing before because I was working two jobs and was too busy, now I think it is time to pick it back up. I will be changing jobs in the fairly near future and I need to get back in the habit of writing. Not so much so that you will have something to read but more so that I can express my thoughts. My mind doesn't really shut off so I am constantly thinking about something or why I have a certain opinion. I have a few people here in Tulsa that I can talk to but when I move I will have less access to those people. I already have some friends in Arkansas but it takes some time before I open up the way I need to in order to clear my mind. So the writing is good for me, even if I can't write everything I am thinking.
Soon I want to write some about love. It seems that everywhere I turn lately life has been showing me love or the lack of it in some form. I want to understand more, I want to show it more often in my life, I want to live out what I believe and be that picture that can send someone searching for the one true Love. That is my goal, that is my mission and I work every day at getting closer to being "the change I want to see in the world". Ghandi said that and I think it is an amazing perspective. People are always trying to change the world. That is a good goal but if we don't look at ourselves first then how is anything going to change? I want to see more love, more actual love in the world. That is something I truly believe in so I am working right now on showing more love through my life.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Love...then and now...
"Paint the world with your thoughts. Love with the heart of a child." -Unknown
I ran across this quote on a friends livejournal page earlier this evening and it made me start thinking. Well to say it made me "start" thinking would not be a true statement. I have been thinking about love for a while now. There are lots of reasons I have been thinking about it but the one I am going to talk about is because one of my close friends brought up the subject about a week ago.
She sent me a text in the middle of the night. I had been working that night and I didn't set my alarm right (on the replacement phone that I received) so I woke up late. I woke up to 20+ text messages and several missed phone calls. Since most of the messages were simply people asking where I was or if I was awake yet I just deleted all of my unread messages. The problem with this was that I didn't really read her message or check when it was sent. She sent a message and said she needed to explain her text from the night before...I was confused but said that we should talk. When we talked I found out that her message had said a few things and one of them was it contained the phrase, "I love you". She was freaked out and didn't want me to take it wrong. We are friends but we will never be more than friends. That is a mutual feeling and there is no problem with that on either side. She was worried that I would take it wrong since that word is not thrown around very much here in Tulsa between friends of the opposite sex.
So since then I have been thinking about love and what I think love really means. I remembered that I had once written a blog about it on myspace, so I re-posted it tonight. That was my feelings on love in 2006 and I wanted to see how much it has changed in the past two years. Since I wrote that post I have told a woman I was dating that I loved her (I don't say that very often...one reason is that I don't date very often...but still the number of women I have said "I love you" to while I was dating them is only 5), I read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and I have started to write a second book on the subject of Love (my first book was lost when I left NY in 2000).
I think I need to say something right here, I tell people I love them. Most of the time it is friends and family that I say it to. The reason I don't say it to a lot of women is because I know what love means to me. There is no one who I have told "I Love You" that I don't love today. Some people don't really understand that and they don't believe me, but hopefully when I am done with this post you will at least understand what I mean by that.
My definition of the word "Love" in my previous post is one that I still believe. Love is a decision based on your character for the selfless promotion of someone or something. C.S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, breaks down love into...you guessed it!!! 4 catagories. I know he is a much smarter man than I am so I could take some of his points and mix them into this post...but I won't. We are going to stick with the single definition and show you how I can say I still love everyone who I have ever said "I Love You" to.
If love is truly a decision and it is based on my character, then it stands to reason that I have a choice when it comes to who I love and who I don't love. I have had people tell me that they had no choice, that love just happens. I don't agree and the fact that I don't agree with that statement is usually where people tune out of the rest of my blog because all they are thinking about is the fact that you can't choose who you love!
I know that there are feelings attached to love. I also know that many people feel that affection and love are the same thing. I don't agree. The butterflies you get in your stomach, the feeling of floating on a cloud when you're around that special someone, the fact that you enjoy everything about them...all of those things can fade. You can't always choose who you are attracted to and you can't "make" yourself have feelings for someone, but you can choose who you love. I had a friend in school that I thought would be perfect to date...except I didn't have any of those feelings I listed above. She was attractive but I wasn't attracted to her. We never dated and lost touch after I graduated. I saw her again last year and I was still not attracted to her. So if you think that "love" is the feeling that you get when you meet that someone special then I agree, you can't choose who you love.
The problem with using love and affection as the same thing is that your feelings change. I didn't say your feelings "CAN" change, I said your feelings change. Love on the other hand does not have to change. I still love people who have hurt me more than anyone else in the world. I wouldn't want to spend all my time with them, I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I think about them, but I do love them. I would be there for them today if they said they needed me. Loving them was not based on what they made me feel. It was a decision that I made that I don't take lightly.
Many people say they love someone else because of how that person makes them feel. If that is how you know you love someone then once again I say you don't love them. You love yourself and you love how they make YOU feel. Love, at least in my opinion, is not concerned with how you feel but rather how the other person feels.
I made the statement the other day that divorce happens because one side or usually both sides are being selfish. That is not love...and it results in a failed marriage. You can say, now they slit up for other reasons than that, it wasn't because they were selfish! I beg to differ. If one of them cheated on the other, that person was being selfish. If they broke up because someone was lying about something, they were being selfish. You don't lie about things unless you are being selfish. It doesn't spare the other persons feelings when you lie, it spares you having to deal with the consequences of the statement. There are lots of reasons for a marriage to split up but being selfish is at the root of all of them that I have run in to so far. What does that have to do with my post on love? Everything! If you truly love that person then you will put their needs, their desires and their feelings above your own. That sounds a lot like the selfless promotion of someone...which is half of my definition for love.
There is a lot more to say...but I don't think I am going to write any more right now. Maybe another time I will go into this a bit deeper. For now I want you to think about something for me. Look at your life and those people that are in it your life right now. What are you doing to make their lives better. What are the little things that will bring a bit of joy into their life. Whatever those things are that you can think of...do them. Do them as often as you can. People matter and how we treat them matters. I didn't bring God into this post yet but remember that we have instructions to love your neighbor as yourself. If we all made a conscious effort to do that every day the world we live in would be a better place.
I ran across this quote on a friends livejournal page earlier this evening and it made me start thinking. Well to say it made me "start" thinking would not be a true statement. I have been thinking about love for a while now. There are lots of reasons I have been thinking about it but the one I am going to talk about is because one of my close friends brought up the subject about a week ago.
She sent me a text in the middle of the night. I had been working that night and I didn't set my alarm right (on the replacement phone that I received) so I woke up late. I woke up to 20+ text messages and several missed phone calls. Since most of the messages were simply people asking where I was or if I was awake yet I just deleted all of my unread messages. The problem with this was that I didn't really read her message or check when it was sent. She sent a message and said she needed to explain her text from the night before...I was confused but said that we should talk. When we talked I found out that her message had said a few things and one of them was it contained the phrase, "I love you". She was freaked out and didn't want me to take it wrong. We are friends but we will never be more than friends. That is a mutual feeling and there is no problem with that on either side. She was worried that I would take it wrong since that word is not thrown around very much here in Tulsa between friends of the opposite sex.
So since then I have been thinking about love and what I think love really means. I remembered that I had once written a blog about it on myspace, so I re-posted it tonight. That was my feelings on love in 2006 and I wanted to see how much it has changed in the past two years. Since I wrote that post I have told a woman I was dating that I loved her (I don't say that very often...one reason is that I don't date very often...but still the number of women I have said "I love you" to while I was dating them is only 5), I read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and I have started to write a second book on the subject of Love (my first book was lost when I left NY in 2000).
I think I need to say something right here, I tell people I love them. Most of the time it is friends and family that I say it to. The reason I don't say it to a lot of women is because I know what love means to me. There is no one who I have told "I Love You" that I don't love today. Some people don't really understand that and they don't believe me, but hopefully when I am done with this post you will at least understand what I mean by that.
My definition of the word "Love" in my previous post is one that I still believe. Love is a decision based on your character for the selfless promotion of someone or something. C.S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, breaks down love into...you guessed it!!! 4 catagories. I know he is a much smarter man than I am so I could take some of his points and mix them into this post...but I won't. We are going to stick with the single definition and show you how I can say I still love everyone who I have ever said "I Love You" to.
If love is truly a decision and it is based on my character, then it stands to reason that I have a choice when it comes to who I love and who I don't love. I have had people tell me that they had no choice, that love just happens. I don't agree and the fact that I don't agree with that statement is usually where people tune out of the rest of my blog because all they are thinking about is the fact that you can't choose who you love!
I know that there are feelings attached to love. I also know that many people feel that affection and love are the same thing. I don't agree. The butterflies you get in your stomach, the feeling of floating on a cloud when you're around that special someone, the fact that you enjoy everything about them...all of those things can fade. You can't always choose who you are attracted to and you can't "make" yourself have feelings for someone, but you can choose who you love. I had a friend in school that I thought would be perfect to date...except I didn't have any of those feelings I listed above. She was attractive but I wasn't attracted to her. We never dated and lost touch after I graduated. I saw her again last year and I was still not attracted to her. So if you think that "love" is the feeling that you get when you meet that someone special then I agree, you can't choose who you love.
The problem with using love and affection as the same thing is that your feelings change. I didn't say your feelings "CAN" change, I said your feelings change. Love on the other hand does not have to change. I still love people who have hurt me more than anyone else in the world. I wouldn't want to spend all my time with them, I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I think about them, but I do love them. I would be there for them today if they said they needed me. Loving them was not based on what they made me feel. It was a decision that I made that I don't take lightly.
Many people say they love someone else because of how that person makes them feel. If that is how you know you love someone then once again I say you don't love them. You love yourself and you love how they make YOU feel. Love, at least in my opinion, is not concerned with how you feel but rather how the other person feels.
I made the statement the other day that divorce happens because one side or usually both sides are being selfish. That is not love...and it results in a failed marriage. You can say, now they slit up for other reasons than that, it wasn't because they were selfish! I beg to differ. If one of them cheated on the other, that person was being selfish. If they broke up because someone was lying about something, they were being selfish. You don't lie about things unless you are being selfish. It doesn't spare the other persons feelings when you lie, it spares you having to deal with the consequences of the statement. There are lots of reasons for a marriage to split up but being selfish is at the root of all of them that I have run in to so far. What does that have to do with my post on love? Everything! If you truly love that person then you will put their needs, their desires and their feelings above your own. That sounds a lot like the selfless promotion of someone...which is half of my definition for love.
There is a lot more to say...but I don't think I am going to write any more right now. Maybe another time I will go into this a bit deeper. For now I want you to think about something for me. Look at your life and those people that are in it your life right now. What are you doing to make their lives better. What are the little things that will bring a bit of joy into their life. Whatever those things are that you can think of...do them. Do them as often as you can. People matter and how we treat them matters. I didn't bring God into this post yet but remember that we have instructions to love your neighbor as yourself. If we all made a conscious effort to do that every day the world we live in would be a better place.
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