(disclaimer: this post is coming from an application on my phone. Any words spelled wrong or the use of a word that doesn't make sense can be blamed on a combo of my own mistakes and the replacement of the word I was trying to spell by predictive text.)
Love from my perspective is what is on my mind. For those of you who follow my blog, you already know I have a girlfriend named Ashley. She is wonderful and today we have officially been together three months. I bring her up again because we recently told each other those three little words that change everything: I love you.
To some people saying I love you to your girlfriend/boyfriend is no big deal. To me it is a big deal. It is a big deal because of my definition of love.
I have a definition for love and I like my definition. I once asked 600 people (friends from myspace when myspace was my main social network) what love was to them. I got all kinds of different answers. Many seemed superficial, some seemed over spiritual, some seemed too simple and a few too complicated...in the end I did find some people who also shared my definition of love, or at least came close to agreeing with me.
What I see now is that I was looking at this whole thing all wrong. What do I mean by that?I'm glad you asked because I am going to tell you.
What I mean when I say I love you doesn't truly matter to you. What matters to you is what YOU think I mean when I say I love you. My definition of love is simply that, MY definition of love. When you say I love you to me I am expecting you to act in a way that lines up with my definition of love. When I say I love you to you then you expect me to act in a way that lines up with what love means to you.
I am currently reading the Five Love Languages Singles Edition. In this book it talks about speaking your significant other's love language. Well it is a really good book but I am not talking about people feeling loved through acts of service or quality time. I am talking about what we really mean when we say I love you and what we expect when someone says they love us.
What do you expect from someone when they say I love you? That depends on what you think love is.
I have people who I love that I don't have a close relationship with anymore. Does that mean I lied when I said I loved them? No. Does that mean I don't love them anymore? No. Not in my opinion, but it is just my opinion!
If I love you but you keep abusing my trust I will distance myself from you. That doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean we will always be distant but love is not a doormat.
Most people have someone in their family who has made a lot of mistakes. Someoe who can't be trusted or counted on. Does that mean that you stop loving them? Not in my definition of love, but maybe in your definition if you don't "feel" that you love them right now than you don't love them. Maybe you loved someone and you "fell out of love with them" or you "grew apart." I am not just talking about a spouse, it could be a friend or a relative...but either way in my opinion you can still love someone that you don't have the same "feelings" for that you once had.
Love to me is a choice. I love you no matter what you do. We may not always have the same relationship that we once had, but I will always love you.
What I found out is that not everyone sees love this way. The people who don't agree with me are not wrong, they simply have a different view of love. Love to them isn't forever. Love is based at least partially on feelings and love is not forever.
When I see people do and say things to people who they said they loved I am amazes and I used to want to correct them and then I realized something. They are showing their definition of love. They aren't wrong because they are different, they are just different.
We have all taken different roads and led different lives to get to where we are today. Who am I to tell you that what you think about love is wrong? I'm no expert. I'm not a scholar, I don't have a best seller, I don't even have a great track record when it comes to "love," at least not the romantic kind.
All I can do and all I will ever do is try to love people. I see no higher calling than that. I know God loves me. You don't have to agree with my views on God either, love is still going to be what I will always try to show you. If your defintion of love is not: "A decision based on your character for the selfless promotion of someone else" that is fine...but that is what I will try to show to you. Life is too short and people are too precious to live any other way.
I was told for years by a lot of people that either they couldn't see me as a "preacher" or that they didn't think I should be a "preacher." Now I get paid to be on staff at a church. It is my job to help people and to show them that God loves them.
I do my very best to do that and I have been able to help some people since I came to Arkansas...but the day I started this job is not when I started loving people and the day I stop this job will not be the last day that I do my best to love people. I truly believe that you will never lose when you just love people...whatever that means to you.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
6 comments:
I have to say, I've thought a lot about your posts and questions about "what does love mean to you" over the past year. I agree with your definition of love. I only want to add a few thoughts for you to chew on to kinda help flesh out the principles involved.
Once I was in this courtship type relationship and I remember being told often that "love is a choice". It was a choice that I was supposed to be making and I just couldn't seem to do it. Everything matched up as far as our parents were concerned, beliefs, principles, everything. But I couldn't make that "choice". After a while I began to realize that when it came to the choice of a life partner, yes, love IS a choice, but not a burdensome one. He does not ask us to choose only with our mind and leave out our emotions. They come together and the choice becomes simple. It is sometimes after the marriage that choosing to love and keep loving becomes more difficult, but also much more rewarding. I did not marry that man. Rather I met and married a man that shared my beliefs, principles, and ideals, and for whom my heart was drawn to in a deep and complete way.
Secondly, you hear so much talk about "growing apart" and "falling out of love". And here is my answer to that line of reasoning: When you have a child, the relationship is defined in a certain way. Needs are figured out and met, and love is expressed accordingly. But that child changes and grows and not only do their needs change, their responses to your loving acts change as well. Do you stop loving them when they disobey? When they become belligerent or disrespectful? What about when they're preteens and say things like "I hate you!"? Do you stop meeting their needs when they stop meeting yours? No. Of course not. They are your flesh and blood. You love them. Making the choices involved with truly loving someone whether it's a spouse or a child is NOT always easy, nor is it always simple. I'm sure it's not always "easy" for God to love me! But He does! And always will.
Sorry this is so long. If you want to delete it after reading, go for it! lol!
Lisa
Well Lisa I guess I left some things out when writing this blog because it was getting so long! Love is a choice but romantic love must have attraction. I knew a girl who was everything that I should have wanted in a relationship. She was and still is beautiful but I was simply not attracted to her in that way. I couldn't "choose" to be attracted to her in a romantic kind of way. That is not what I mean when I say love is a decision based on your character. I loved her as a person and as a friend but not in the "I am going to choose to spend my life with you" kind of way.
Your second point is a good one, the problem I see is that people look at the love they have for their children differently than the love they have for a spouse. When needs change and relationships change and grow, love can still exist. Romance may not be the same after 15 years of marriage but if you were truly working on the selfless promotion of the other person and meeting their needs instead of your own you wouldn't feel you were farther from them. You would have grown together...but that of course is always a two way street.
I too believe that love is a choice, and I honestly haven't met many people that view it that way as well. Most people I know seem to think it's a feeling. Most of what you and Lisa said hit all of what I think spot on.
Michael, I really apologize if I sounded critical of your post. I wasn't trying to tear down your post or take away from your point but rather to add to it some thoughts, kind of in a discussion-type manner if that makes sense. It's just that in all of the posts you've made on the topic it seemed to be missing that element of emotion that I brought up, almost like you felt you needed (or that we all need) to bully your way through a lack of emotion to "choose". I am really glad to hear that's not the case. I really have no knowledge of what your life has been like over the past 10 years, so I really think I should keep my nose out of it sometimes instead of getting all wordy and opinionated! lol.
ha ha ha. I just realized how many times I said Really.
:) Yes you did say "really" a lot in that post...I didn't feel like you were tearing down or being critical. I leave out the emotional side of love when I write most of the time.
Mainly because of time and space. People don't read long posts very often and there is a lot written about the emotions that go into and along with love. I was just bringing in the other side, I guess that I forgot to mention it at all. Balance was needed and I am never upset when someone has a comment about what I write. :) No one has to agree with me, I just want you to think for yourself. Not enough people do that anymore.
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