Wow...

I haven't had this feeling in years...literally years. I was looking at the "status" section on my Blackberry facebook application. I read one status that said one of my friends was reading his daughter a book until she fell asleep and he wished it never would have ended.

Most people who know me very well are aware that I was married and am now divorced. It doesn't come up much in conversation anymore, mainly because it has been over 8 years since we both signed the papers. The thing that I want to do eventually is to have a family of my own. My parents (who are now divorced) were always there for me when I was growing up. I never had a babysitter or went to daycare. My Mom didn't start working until I was in Jr. High so she was there for us as we grew up. One of my parents was at ALL my sporting events and that is a pretty big deal. Especially since I played three sports a year and I have two brothers who did the same thing. They laid down their lives for us and in turn I have amazing family memories from my childhood.

I see my older brother and his wife doing that for my two nephews. She is a stay at home Mom and they are doing a lot already to create memories for the "J Team". I admire what they are doing so much. I just haven't had a night like tonight in a long time, a night when I ask the question, "When is it my turn?"

I know that I have time. I know that my past choices and actions have extended my time-line farther than expected and I am happy with where I am in my life. Maybe it is because I am tired, maybe it is because I heard today that my Aunt had surgery to remove some cancerous tissue from her breast...whatever the reason the thoughts are there. I have to believe that God knows what He is doing. I have to believe that when the time is right and I am ready I will be able to start a family.

I don't like to open up this much but I am lonely. Not lonely because I don't have people around me. Not lonely because I don't have people I can talk to either because I have a couple close friends who I know I can open up to about anything going on in my life. I guess I am lonely because I don't have someone to spoil, someone to leave notes for that only she will find. Someone to bring gifts home to, someone that makes me want to do whatever I need to do just to see her smile.

Well...I am not sure that I am going to keep this post up. I guess we will see how I am feeling when I wake up tomorrow. This is more of me on a page than I am used to posting...this is just enough information about what goes on in my mind to be dangerous. :)