What is the deal...

I haven't written anything in a while...actually it has been a long time. It isn't that I haven't had anything to write about, the problem I have been running into is that what I have wanted about are things that I am going through. I don't like to write out of emotion and I really don't like to write "about" people so I haven't written anything. I try to look at things from an outside perspective and not make it personal but lately I haven't been able to do that, so I haven't been sharing anything on here.

I am hoping to work it all out soon. :) I miss writing!

I should be sleeping...

I am laying here on the couch out in La Center, WA writing this...instead of sleeping. As I begin it is just after 11:00pm and my plane leaves at 7:30am tomorrow morning.

I am been in the Northwest since Christmas eve (thanks to a three day layover in Denver due to snow). This trip started off strange but not bad. I got to spend three days with a famliy I have known for almost 25 years! When I got to the NW on Christmas eve I found out that no one was going to make the trip on Christmas. I was supposed to see my whole family at one time but due to weather once again it didn't happen. I did get to see my brothers and my sister-in-law along with my amazing nephews on Christmas day. Also in the two weeks I was here I got to see my Mom and step-Dad for a few days, I saw my Grandpa several times along with seeing various cousins, Uncles, Aunts and friends.

All in all it was a good trip and I had a great time. The thing that I realized most during this trip was that this isn't home anymore. It will always be the place I am talking about when I say I am going to visit "home" but it no longer feels like home.

I miss my family and friends from here every day that I am in Oklahoma but the thing about this trip was; I missed my friends and family in Oklahoma every day that I was here. I have been gone for the past 7 years and 6 of those years have been spent in Broken Arrow, OK. I have made life-long friends there and right now my Dad lives with me. It is where I feel the most at ease and it is where I feel like I am supposed to be right now. Could that change? Of course it could...but for now it is home.

I still haven't taken the time to reflect on this entire year but tonight is not the right night to do that. I need to get some sleep but not before I thank everyone who has made Oklahoma my home. I showed up as "Chris's brother" and people have made me feel like a part of their family. I have friends who have: opened their homes during the holidays, thrown me birthday parties, given me rides to the airport, cooked meals for me and given me hugs when that is what I needed most. To anyone who has played a part in my life in the past 7 years I just wanted to say thank you. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be surrounded with.

So much to say....

So little time to say it! I am waiting right now for my clothes be done (they are in the dryer). After they are ready I am going to take a shower and go with my brother to see our Grandpa (he is 83 years old) and his girlfriend. He is going to take us out to lunch. He is one of my favorite people ever! His laugh is contagious and he loves life. He doesn't just sit around and get older, he is out chopping his own firewood, shoveling snow off his roof, hunting, fishing and going on walks with his girlfriend! I admire his outlook on life and he is the most generous person I know. Any time I can spend with him is time well spent so I am content to write a short post so that I can go see him.

I have had a lot happen since my last post that I would like to write about and I still want to write about 2008. Very interesting year for me and I am interested to see how it all looks on paper. I know a lot happened that doesn't come to mind everyday but that will have to wait until after family time. Family matters and Grandpa Jim has spent his life giving to others so I am going to give him some of my time.

Two weeks in review...

Well kind of two weeks in review...I am not really going to go through everything that has happened in the past two weeks because a lot of what has happened hasn't really been dealt with yet. I have had some of the highest highs and the lowest lows in the past two weeks. That is not normal for me. I am a pretty even kind of a guy. I am very animated but very few things upset me and I almost never get mad...and I am not one to get really excited about a lot of things either. I hold my emotions in check for the most part. I enjoy life and I think that for the most part this comes through in how I react to things.

The problem with the last two weeks is that I have had things that I didn't see coming happen to me. Multiple times I have stopped and looked back and asked, "Did that really just happen?" The answer time and again was yes, it did just happen. It has not taken me more than a couple of hours to get myself back under control and to this point I have not done or said anything rash that would hurt anyone. I have done my very best to react the way that I want to react to situations. I try to think the best of those involved and consider their feelings and what is going to be best for them in the long run. That keeps me from saying or doing things that would be hurtful just because I had something happen to me that I didn't expect and didn't really enjoy.

As far as the highs...I have had my share of those as well. I have become closer to some people, I have had a couple people open up to me and share part of their life with me. That is always something that I enjoy. I want to be someone who you can come to when you need anything and I have been able to be there for a few people recently. I did have one amazing friend who needed me and I wasn't there. I apologized for not being there but as of right now my apologizing didn't make me feel any better about not being able to be there for this person.

I guess what I am wrestling with right now is not the past two weeks but the next two that are coming up. I have some things that are technically unresolved. Things that I have said I will deal with "sometime". The problem is that if I don't deal with them before I go back to WA for two weeks, will they ever come up again? If the answer to that is no...then is it worth talking about them at all? I was given some advice a long time ago. I was told that when you get upset, go to a window and look outside. Ask yourself the question, "In 20 years is this going to matter?" If the answer to that is "no" then you need to let it go. If the answer to that is "yes" then you need to deal with it. The problem I am having is that right now I don't know the answer to that question.

I think that "Love" would not bring it up right now, and that is why it is still unresolved. I guess I will have to wait and see how this week goes. I will not go out of my way to bring it up. If it is still worth talking about when I get back from vacation then I will look at what needs to be done.

On a side note; I have some amazing friends and family. I am truly blessed beyond measure and I am more thankful than I may show sometimes. Thank you all.

i want your opinion...

I may even give you my opinion. I have a question that want to ask. Would you lie and or not tell the "whole truth" to spare someones feelings? If I asked you a question, would you only tell me part of the story because you were trying to protect me?

I posted this question as my status on facebook and I got a few comments. One comment was that some people can't handle the truth. I am curious to see what my response on that status will be when I repost it during the day tomorrow.

I want to know your opinion and now I will give you my opinion. Growing up my Mom told us that a half-truth is still a lie. At that time I didn't really agree with her but now I couldn't agree more.
I have seen this business of not being open and up front just so that you can "spare their feelings" end marriages. I have seen it break apart friendship and ruin the trust that someone has for you forever.

I am a big boy, I can handle the truth. I ask for honesty and respect in every relationship in my life and I try to always give both of those to everyone I come in contact with. I am not perfect and if you know me then you are well aware of that fact. Even in my imperfection I will treat you with respect and I will be honest with you. Don't ask a question you really don't want me to answer.

So my answer to the question: would I not tell you the truth if you asked me a question because it might hurt your feelings is no. I will tell you the truth and I appreciate it when people do the same thing for me.

*edit* I have had several people say that they would use "tact" and go around the truth so as to not hurt someones feelings. I am not saying you shouldn't use tact. I AM saying that half truths turn into whole lies and that is the problem.

This could be trouble...

I am WIDE awake! It is around 5:30am and I just got home from work. In theory I am supposed to get 2 hours of sleep before I go back to work, the problem is that I am not even a little bit tired right now.

Tonight at work I figured out why my mind is always in over-drive when I get home. I have at least 2 hours each night at work where I am in a room alone. No one talking to me, no emails coming in and no text messages. Before I started working at night I would have been lucky to get 2 straight hours of time to myself in an entire week, let alone 3 nights in a row EVERY week!

It gives me time to reflect, time to ponder and time to take a step back and look at things in a "big picture" sort of way. What I have found so far is that I need to set some time to do this aside whenever I am done working this job. It is important to take the time to process all the things going on in your life. Too many times we all get caught up in the here and now. We live our life going from one event/crisis to another and never stop to look at what direction we are truly going.

Another thing this time to myself has shown me is that when given the time to think about it, most situations that seemed to be huge...really aren't that big of a deal. They only seemed like a big deal because at that moment the situation was right in my face. Perspective is a nice thing to have and sometimes it is the first thing we lose.

This being said, I am going to try to set aside a little more time where I can be alone with my thoughts. I am considering turning off my phone for an hour or two a night (the nights when I only work 1 job) and going into my room to be alone. I would like to see what this will do for my perspective and outlook on life. I guess only time will tell.

I should try to get a little sleep. Do me a favor and smile at someone when you don't feel like it. See if they smile back, a lot of people are looking for an excuse to be happy. Be their excuse.

I will sleep on Thursday...

Today has been a crazy day from the start! When I say from the start, I mean from 12:00 midnight until now. I worked longer last night than I expected to work, I have had conversations today that I never expected to have and I have been thinking about things that haven't crossed my mind in years.

Someone asked me when I sleep, I said I sleep Thursday through Saturday. :) Tonight will not be a restful night, I will go home in a few minutes and start reading. I will read until I am tired enough to fall asleep and then I will sleep until I am rested enough to get up for work. I will work from 11:00pm until most likely 5am and then go home for a few hours until work again. I am not looking for sympathy or understanding, I am simply stating the facts. This is my life right now and it will be my life for the foreseeable future. I have good reasons for why I am putting myself through this and some of you know what they are. If you don't know then it is because I haven't told you and this blog is not the place for me to go into it.

In the past three months that I have been working nights I have had people who I have grown closer to and people who I have grown farther apart from. That happens at every point in life, I know this. The problem is that it happens at a much great pace when you are put into abnormal circumstances. The fact that I don't see anyone outside of work the first half of the week is something that is strange and puts me into the "out of sight, out of mind" category with some people. That is human nature and if I didn't know you very well and then all of a sudden I stopped coming around then what reason would you have to try to continue to get to know me better? Then there are those people who it doesn't matter how long I have been gone or how little I have been around they treat me like we have been hanging out every day. Those are the times I smile because I can appreciate that our relationship is not based on what I can do or how I have been able to entertain them recently but it is based on them wanting to be a part of my life.

Remember that people are only as much a part of your life as you will allow them to be. I might not be a part of your life at all and that is fine. Just remember to show the people who you care about how much you care about them. It can be as easy as telling them you appreciate them or giving them a hug next time you see them. Do the small things, the unexpected things, the things that will not get you anything back but a smile. Do those things for the ones you care about and see how your life changes. Relationships matter, people matter, the stuff that takes up most of your time probably doesn't matter.